EVENING

MY MOTHER'S NEIGHBORHOOD IS RELATIVELY PEACEFUL, FILLED WITH SLIGHTLY HOMOPHOBIC PEOPLE IN THEIR LATE 60S AND VISIBLY STRESSED OUT PARENTS, THREE KIDS, ALL BELOW THE AGE OF TEN. THERE WAS A PERIOD AFTER ELLA WAS GONE WHERE ME AND MY MOM COULD STAND TO BE IN THE HOUSE. WE WANDERED ENDLESSLY THROUGH QUEENS, WALKING AS FAR WAS WE COULD BEFORE BEING FORCED, BY WEATHER OR NIGHTFALL TO TURN BACK AROUND AND RETURN HOME. WE BECAME PRETTY GOOD FRIENDS WITH SOME OF HER NEIGHBORS DURING THAT TIME, WE WOULD PASS THEM SITTING OUTSIDE THEIR HOMES IN LAWN CHAIRS AND CHAT FOR A BIT, THEM LEAVE THEM BEFORE CONVERSATION BECAME TOO PERSONAL OR POLITICAL.

NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE OVERCOMPENSATE, WE BOTH ALWAYS FEEL THE LACK BETWEEN US, AND IT TAKES UP ITS SPACE IN NEARLY EVERY CONVERSATION WE HAVE. BUT WE'VE GOTTEN PRETTY GOOD AT HANGING OUT WITHOUT FEELING LIKE ITS AN OBLIGATION. I STILL VISIT HER WHEN I HAVE FREE AFTERNOONS, AND TAKE HER TO NEARLY EVERY BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH MOVIE THAT COMES OUT THEATERS. SHE WOULD STILL BOMBARD ME WITH QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PLOT DURING THE MOVIE, AS IF SHE HAD JUST COME INTO THE THEATER AND NEEDED TO BE CAUGHT UP, BUT I NO LONGER HAD ELLA TO LOVINGLY MAKE FUN OF HER WITH ME AFTER WE LEFT.

AS I LEFT MY MOM'S HOUSE, MY MIND WAS BLANK, TOO TIRED AND WORN OUT TO THINK OF ANYTHING BUT MAKING IT THROUGH THEBUS RIDE BACK HOME. THE SUNSET WAS MUTED WINTER COLORS AND THERE WAS NO GOLDEN LIGHT LAYING OVER THE HOUSES AND CASTING LONG SHADOWS, THE LIGHT JUST DIMMED AND BLUED, MAKING ME COLDER AND MORE TIRED AS TIME WENT ON.

I COULD HAVE WALKED RIGHT OFF THE END OF THE ROAD AND CONTINUED UNTIL I WAS SUBMERGED IN LITTLE NECK BAY. THE SUN WAS SETTING OVER THE BRIDGE AND THE WATER LOOKED PEACEFULLY AND PAINFULLY COLD, I IMAGINED MYSELF IN THE DEPTHS OF IT, MY HAIR AND LIMBS FLOATING IN WHICHEVER DIRECTION THE WATER MOVED, AND MY BODY COLD AS ICE, PAINFUL AND NUMB ALL AT ONCE. WHEN I SAT, THE ROAD WAS COLD AND THE WILD BLEW FASTER, EVEN WHEN I WANTED TO STAND UP I COULDN'T. I COULDN'T HELP BUT FEEL THAT I WAS WAITING FOR SOMETHING, THAT IT WASN'T TIME TO GET UP, SOMETHING WOULD LET ME KNOW WHEN IT WAS. ELLA SAT BESIDES ME, THIS HAPPENED OFTEN, ON THE SUBWAY, WHEN I WAS WAITING FOR THE BUS, SUCH A STRONG SENSE OF HER PRESENCE DID NOT ALARM ME, WHAT DID WAS THE FEELING OF WEIGHT ON MY SHOULDER AS SHE PLACED HER HEAD ON IT. I KNEW THERE WAS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN NOW AND ALL THE OTHER TIMES I HAD SEEN HER TAILING ME. SHE WAS THE THING I WAS WAITING FOR AND SOMEHOW I STILL COULD NOT MOVE.

THE PIECES BEGAN TO FIT TOGETHER THE LONGER I SAT THERE. I WAS SOMEHOW OCCUPYING THE SAME SPACE AS ELLA. THERE WAS A STRONG SENSE OF FAMILIARITY IN THE MOMENT, SOMETHING THAT KEPT ME THERE THAT HAD KEPT ME THERE BEFORE. I QUICKLY REALIZED, THERE WAS A CAR THAT WAS COMING TOWARDS ME, AND I COULDN'T MOVE, I KNEW THAT IT WOULD HIT ME, AND I KNEW THAT WHEN THE BRIGHT LIGHT FADED, I WOULD BE ONCE AGAIN IN MY BED, STILL THINKING OF ELLA, AND SHE WOULD CONTINUE TO FOLLOW ME, AND I WOULD CONTINUE TO LIVE THE DAY AGAIN, UNTIL I COULD FIGURE OUT WHAT SHE WAS TRYING TO TELL ME, BUT WHAT WAS SHE TRYING TO TELL ME? THE WORDS ESCAPED ME. THEY FADED IN THE LIGHT ALONG WITH THE WORLD AROUND ME, ELLA'S WEIGHT ON MY SHOULDER REMAINED CONSTANT AND I REMAINED ON THE FLOOR.